Self Esteem, Solutions, Support, Toolkit

Silencing Your Inner Critic

By request, this is the transcript from a video made almost 5 years ago. I hope you find it helpful 🙂

Silencing Your Inner Critic

Most of us have had the experience of negative self talk – criticizing yourself, beating yourself up over things you wish you could change or had done differently. What I have noticed as a therapist is that these little nasty voices in your head in no way help you change for the better. In fact, they more often get in the way of you being able to move forward in your life and feel good about yourself. This video is going to talk about negative self-talk, how and why so many of us experience this, and how to substitute the critical tape playing in your head, telling you you are not good enough, for more positive and realistic messages.

People typically judge and criticize themselves for their appearance, financial status, relationships, parenting skills, weight, and the list goes on and on. Where do these messages start? A variety of places. Sometimes we receive critical messages as children – from our parents, family members, even in the schoolyard. The media is quite often not self-esteem friendly, making you feel that if your skin is not flawless, you are not a size two, your earning potential is not what you want it to be, your relationship is not perfect – you are a failure. And finally, we make mistakes in life. We show poor judgment and we don’t always do the right thing. So guilt can linger from past mistakes, and we find we can’t let it go and forgive ourselves.

Let me ask you this. What type of language do you use with yourself when you notice a flaw or make a mistake? Do you insult yourself, beat yourself up, or do you take a more compassionate and understanding
tone? Many of us are our own worst critics, and our inner voice is unforgiving and harsh. Let’s say your inner voice is highly critical – does this help you feel better about yourself? Or does it tear you down, making you feel flawed and like a failure?

– When you notice something about yourself you don’t like, instead of feeling cut off from others, or do you feel connected with your fellow humans who are also imperfect? Do you tend to feel cut off from others when things go wrong, with the irrational feeling that everyone else is having a better time of it than you, or do you get in touch with the fact that all humans experience hardship in their lives?

– Ask yourself about the consequences of being so hard on yourself. Does it make you more motivated and happy, or discouraged and depressed? If being hard on yourself doesn’t make you a happier person, then clearly it’s not working. Time for a new perspective.

– Another question to ask yourself – how do you think you would feel if you could truly love and accept yourself exactly as you are? Does this possibility scare you, give you hope, or both? I have had clients tell me they felt self-acceptance was narcissistic or selfish. It’s neither.

– When you run into challenges in your life, do you tend to ignore your pain or struggle, and focus exclusively on fixing the problem, or do you stop to give yourself care and comfort?

– When you come up against problems or mistakes, do you make a bigger deal out of it than you need to, or do you tend to keep things in balanced perspective?

If you feel that you lack sufficient self-compassion, check in with yourself – are you criticizing yourself for this too? If so, stop right there. Try to feel compassion for how difficult it is to be an imperfect human being in this extremely competitive society of ours. Most of us live in cultures that do not emphasize self-compassion, quite the opposite. We’re told that we’re being self-indulgent if we don’t hold ourselves to harsh standards. We may feel that no matter how hard we try, our best just isn’t good enough. It’s time for something different. We can all benefit by learning to be more self-compassionate, and now is the perfect time to start.

Here is an exercise to not only help silence your inner critic, but to instead create your inner friend.

Create in your imagination a friend who is unconditionally loving, accepting, kind and
compassionate toward you. Imagine that this friend can see all your strengths and all your weaknesses, including any aspects you criticize yourself for. Think about what this friend feels about you, and how you are loved and accepted exactly as you are, with all your human imperfections. This friend recognizes the limits of human nature, and is kind and forgiving towards you. In his/her great wisdom this friend understands your life history and the thousands of things that have happened in your life to create you as you are right now. Any perceived faults are connected to so many things you didn’t choose: your genes, your family history, life circumstances – things that were outside of your control. Your friend sees through these human imperfections to the core of the real you, and accepts and loves you the way you are.

Now. I’d like you to sit down with a pen and paper, or in front of the computer. Write a letter from this friend to you. What would this friend say to you about your mistakes or flaws from the perspective of unlimited compassion? How would this friend convey the deep compassion he/she feels for you, especially for the pain you feel when you judge yourself so harshly? What would this friend write in order to remind you that you are only human, that all people have both strengths and weaknesses?

If your imaginary friend might suggest possible changes you could make, how would these suggestions express unconditional understanding and compassion? As you write to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend, try to infuse your letter with a strong sense of acceptance, kindness, caring, and desire for your health and happiness.

Once you have finished this exercise, sit quietly for a bit. Step away from what you have written, and come back to re-read the letter in a little while. Maybe an hour or so. As you return and read, allow the compassion expressed in the letter to flow into you. Become aware of how it feels to experience kindness, loving acceptance, and forgiveness.

This experience can become a part of your daily life, in the way you speak about and to yourself. Replace your inner critic with an inner friend. Your work will not fall apart, I promise you. You may find that holding positive feelings about yourself allows you to increase your motivation and lessen depression or internal criticism. If you’d like to, take a few of the positive sentences expressed in your letter, write them on a sticky note or a piece of paper, and put them up around your home so that you can see these positive words as you go through your daily life.

It’s not enough to silence your inner critic. You have to fill that void, with positive self talk and an idea of friendship toward yourself.

I hope this simple exercise will help you begin to let go of being your own worst critic and begin to become your own best friend.

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